Aloha Höek (transcript)
Episode: Aloha Höek (Ren and Stimpy are pushed out of the water and they start hyperventilating like fish on land. Ren realizes that they're on land) Ren: Land... (Stimpy is still hyperventilating) Ren: (tapping Stimpy's nose) Hey, stupid! Breathe air. Stimpy: (realizing) Uhhh, Oh yeah! I forgot. Ren: Well Stimpy, we're on dry land at last. We're saved! Stimpy: (Worried) It'll be dark soon. We should seek shelter. Ren: Hey! You're right! (in a distorted close-up) There's no time to lose! We must be willing to protect us from the unforeseen dangers that wicked us on this island of despair. Well, don't just stand there. BUILD! Stimpy: I'm building, I'm building! (scene fades to a sand house. Ren is sitting on a sand couch wearing a sand fez watching TV while Stimpy is cooking dinner) Ren: How's that chicken fried sand coming? Stimpy: Sandy. Ren: (Holding a glass of sand) And now, a toast to my best friend and our new home. (drinks it) (It is nighttime and Ren & Stimpy are in a sand bed sleeping. Their sand house is next to the ocean so their house breaks down) (it is morning and Stimpy is the first one waking up, realizing that their house had been washed away) Stimpy: Hey Ren~, I think the water ate our house. (Ren wakes up realizing the same thing, then gets angry) Ren: (furious) Why didn't you use waterproof sand, GENIUS? (growls) I'll find a house myself! (Ren walks into a giant whale carcass ) Huh~? (eyes bulging out, he screams and jumps on Stimpy) It's gonna kill us! Run! RUN! Stimpy: Aww, it's okay Ren. It's just a stinky, old fish carcass. Let's go check it out! (Ren & Stimpy is inside of the carcass' mouth) Ren: Wow! Wall-to-wall innards! Looks like our worries are over! I've always dreamed of living in fish bowel! Let's hit the beach and dig up some chum! Stimpy: (little kid voice) Yeah! (scene fades to Ren sitting in a beach chair, wearing a hula skirt and a shell hat) Ren: Hey beach monkey, how's that forgening comin'? Stimpy: Grrreat! (runs towards Ren and holds up his finds) Oh I got-I got some nice, stinky old kelp and-and and lots of beautiful foul-smelling seashells and-and some dee-licious slime and crusted dead coral. Both: Now, this is nature... (A huge wave hits Ren & Stimpy. It fades to a hot sunny day and Ren & Stimpy are hot inside the carcasses' mouth, filled with flies, gunk and maggots.) Stimpy: (sweaty) Hey Ren~, It's really getting hot in here and, uh, and it's stinky. (smiles and holds his nose) Ren: (mimicking Stimpy) "Ren~, it's hot and stinky, i don't like it~!" (angry) Of course it's hot and stinky! It's a CARCASS ROTTING IN THE SUN!! I'm so SICK of your whining! N-nothing's ever good enough for you, is it?! Stimpy: Wo-, Maybe we can find another home! that's not...rotting. Ren: (frustrated) Find another home? Where are we ever gonna find another fish carcass as nice as THIS?! (gives a frustrated grunt) We're stayin'! Stimpy: (as maggots start piling up like water) But Ren~, the worms are RISING!! Ren: It's just a few little maggots. Shut your hole! Stimpy: But...worms...(grunting)....almost....higher! Ren: (angry) OKAY, THAT'S IT!!! If you don't like it in here, THEN GET OUT~!!! (kicks Ren out) Go find your own carcass to live in! Stimpy: But Ren, I wanna stay with youuu. Ren: Go on! Go ''ROT ''in the jungle! SCAVENGER! HYENA! PARASITE! COMMUNIST!! DEADBEAT!!!! (Stimpy sadly runs through the jungle as animals roar in the background and jungle music plays, but then he finds the Big Kahuna being served by two Hawaiian women) Big Kahuna: Who are you to come to me at my island? (picks up Stimpy) Stimpy: Duhh, My name is Stimpy, and I am homeless, and have no fish with which to live in. smiles Big Kahuna: Now I expect you my ever because you're a partner. Next I get lunch myself. Stimpy: happily Kahuna later approaches the whale carcass, Ren is roasting something like a marshmallow over a bonfire in the whale. Ren: Yes sir, there's nothing like rotting fish gallstones on the open fire. door is knocking. Ren: Uh-oh. Somebody's knocking on the door in. gallstone burns to a crisp as Ren walks off. Ren: (Singing) Diddly dum dum, diddly ding ding, Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care. (spoken) I bet it's Stimpy come crawling back to Daddy. opens a curtain to find the Big Kahuna with a large tiki witch doctor mask on. Big Kahuna: Hello. screams in horror and runs off. Then Big Kahuna removes his tiki mask. Big Kahuna: I guess you don't want to come to the luau. spits I think I spooked the owner. off Ren: under some guts, looking quite hideous) Cannibals! Poor Stimpy. He was probably tortured, and eaten. It's all my fault. I killed my best friend! I deserve to DI-I-I-IE-E-E-E-E-E-E! [Stimpy was so relaxed with two Hawaiian girls. Big Kahuna: We have prepared a feast for you. to a table with several unusual meals, such as a cooked mudskipper, a shark with a half-eaten Mr. Horse-like horse in its' mouth, and a roasted human man Chicken wings. Sauerkraut beans. Octopus pie. Uh, ratatouille. Retofresh. burps Are you hungry? Stimpy: Sure, Big Kahuna. Big Kahuna: I have for you... some kind of bug. a hermit crab opens his mouth. The crab screams like a girl. Big Kahuna puts the crab on Stimpy's mouth, and he eats it. Big Kahuna: Some kind of slug. opens his mouth. Big Kahuna puts the slug on Stimpy's mouth, and Stimpy eats it. Big Kahuna: Stimpy a jellyfish Ohhh, you wanna some of these. Stimpy: Duh, no thanks. I'm stuffed. Big Kahuna: Hmm. a jellyfish Belch. sheepishly time card reading "12 YEARS LATER..." fades up. Then we see a crab family drive up to the whale carcass at night. Father Crab: I thought vacation would never end. Boy oh boy, it's great to be home. Mother Crab: Just look at that carcass. Child Crab: I can't wait to play with my fly! Mother and Child Crab stroll leisurely inside the carcass. Father Crab: The house is joyful just like we- HUH?!? Hey! Somebody rearranged the guts. Mother Crab: up dress Someone's been wearing my favorite negligee! Child Crab: up a Wilbur Cobb album And a big crybaby got tear stains on my country records! Father Crab: Where is he? Why I'll moider the bum. Child Crab: Hey dad! I found the culprit! Look! Crab is poking Ren. Father, Mother and Child Crab is looking at Ren, shivering to death and whining like a dog. Mother Crab: What IS it? Father Crab: Why it's dinner! Mother and Child Crab: YAAAY!!! Father and Child Crab stretch Ren's limbs out, and Ren screams in agony. Ren: Please don't eat me, kindly crab family! I'll do anything you say! Father Crab: Well, we could use a maid, if there's something dead to be dragging up from the beach. Besides, we can eat you anytime. You can just start by walking the fly. GET MOVING!! runs off. Then we see Ren walking the fly at night, and in the morning, the Fly is walking and dragging Ren along the ground. Ren: (in a daze) Everyday... It's the same thing. Bring in the garbage... and spend time with animals and walk the fly. Always the fly. I wish I was a fly, and I would fly away... (cute voice) FAR AWAY! (normal voice) Hey! Wait a minute. Flies can fly! closeup at the fly, Cuts to the river and slides the screen at Ren and fly on top of the cliff. Ren: Well fly, This is it! Our big event! Our ticket to FREEDOM! Fly C'MON YOU COOOW!!! will starting flying with Ren. Ren: We're doing it! We're flying! will continues flying to the sun. Ren: Higher! Higher! HIGHER INTO THE SUN!!! maniacally Higher! Higher! Hiiii-IIII?!? is falling down slightly. Ren: Hey, what's the matter? Don't go down! Fly Go up, stupid! starts descending into the ocean. Ren: Come on, ol' pal, don't fail me now! We can still make it! knocks the fly's head twice. Ren: GET UP! GET UP, you crazy good for nothin' MAGGOT!!! is fully shocked, and he splashes into the water. Ren: NO! NO!! screams till he's completely underwater. the evening, the Fly is holding a lifeless Ren and bringing him to Stimpy and the Big Kahuna as the "Moonlight Sonata" plays. Big Kahuna: Fly. places Ren's body in front of Stimpy. Stimpy: REN! Are you okay? nods "no". Stimpy starts bawling as he kneels over Ren's body. Stimpy: REEEEEEEEEEEN!!!! maniacally shrugs to the audience, and he walks off. Stimpy holds up Ren. Stimpy: He... was my... FRIIIIIIIIIIIEND!!! a wristwatch on Stimpy's arm starts beeping loudly. He drops Ren. Big Kahuna: Wha? stands up, and they both suddenly look all bulgy with empty eye sockets and visible zippers and mask lines, and then they pull their masks off while grunting, revealing they are Soviet communist spies vaguely resembling Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble, much to the Big Kahuna's shock. Fred Spy: Russian accent Vell, secret agent comrade, the mission is over. Time to go home. Barney Spy: Duhh, Hurey, And here comes the submarine-ski! dark Russian submarine submerges as the "Song of the Volga Boat Men" plays. The spies have now removed their Ren and Stimpy disguises and are wearing trenchcoats and fedora hats as they walk towards the shore. Fred Spy: A spy's life amongst men is a lonely one. I can hardly wait to caress my lovely wife's beard stubble again. Heh-heh-heh. Barney Spy: I'm with you, comrade. Soviet communists walk through the water, laughing, to the submarine and they take off. Big Kahuna waves goodbye as he's rotating a cooking rod. Big Kahuna: Goodbye, little bug. see the crab family is being cooked on the rod. Mother and Child Crab: Goodbye! Father Crab: Goodbye, ya moron! Mother and Child Crab are rotated above the cooking fire as they all yelp in pain. Category:Episode Transcripts